Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Put your big girl panties on and deal with it.

I am going off to college soon, and I was discussing dorm needs with my mother earlier. There are the obvious-- sheets, shower caddy, backpack, and so forth. There was one more thing:
"Mom," I said "I don't think Hanes 6-packs are going to cut it anymore. I'm going to be living with a new roommate, and my undergarments need to make a good impression. I think it's time I started wearing big girl panties."
To be honest with you, I've never found a truly satisfactory pair of underwear. They're all uncomfortable or boring or ugly or too big or too small or cut into my hips or have too much fabric in the back or too much elastic. To be honest with you, I don't quite know how to remedy the situation. I mean, everyone tells me a quality pair of underwear will be waiting for me at Victoria's Secret, but I am just not feeling like I want to pay fourteen dollars for three ounces of fabric, ya dig? Especially three ounces that say ADORABLE!!! or SASSYPANTSMCGEE or LOVE'N'KISSES on the butt.

Cosmo declared the thong dead recently (do you remember that?), but I'm not really that concerned with what that magazine has to say about my underwear. However, thongs do not seem fun. Nor do the "boyshorts" Cosmo is now trying to sell to me-- what if I want my underwear to stay outside of my body? Is that so much to ask?!
The thing that is really remarkable to me is the selection-- there are at least 3000 different kinds of basic cotton underwear, and then there is the incredible realm of foundation garments... it boggles the mind, really. I think it's very interesting that Spanx (is that what they're called? I think they must have assigned an intern to name this product.) are coming into vogue-- didn't we decide not to wear corsets a few years ago? The interesting thing is that they are marketed as a revolutionary new idea-- imagine! Undergarments that make you appear slimmer!
I guess I am mainly just confused. What underwear does a grown-up girl buy?


  1. If you find a pair that "stays outside," as you so aptly put it, please let me know!


  2. A grown-up girl probably doesn't wear 'em. Let's be honest.

  3. P.S. how about a song you write about the great underwear search? A talkin' blues?

  4. That is such a good idea!!!
    Also, if the no-underwear thing is true, I'm such a grown-up girl, I could be the president. Seriously.